Our Own Infinity
by airaphile
Summary: One Sick Love Story A fan fiction epilogue for John Green's The Fault in Our Stars... View it in wattpad: /story/11249957-our-own-infinity Or follow me in twitter: @ilivefiction


Hazel and Gus.

These two people made a _huge_part in my life. Their love story isn't just another cliche one. I idolize John Green more after I read this book. _The Fault in Our Stars_is so great that even after you finished reading it, the feels won't go away so you have to read it all over again. You'll read it until your mind is so full of thoughts about it, the quotes that remained in your mind, you might possibly bring up in your daily life. That is how I feel about this book. The story will never leave you. It will become part of your life as the characters did. Yes, they are fictional, but they left me with an impact stronger than any ordinary person.

I wrote this fan fiction epilogue because I can't stop thinking about what happened to Hazel after Augustus died. Just like how they try to find out what happened to Anna and to all the characters in _An_ _Imperial Affliction._

WillHazel be fine?  
>Will Isaac see?<br>Will Peter change?  
>Will Augustus' epilogue of the <em>AIA<em> published?

Those are the questions I can't erase my mind no matter how many more books I read.

TFIOS.  
>TFIOS.<br>TFIOS.

It will always come back.

If only I can travel half way across the warld to gate-crash John Green's home, I will, but well, the world is not a wish-granting factory. Maybe someday, but now, I have an alternative. I found a solution (just like what Gus did). I wrote a fanfic about it. I will not assure you it will be perfect as what you guys would have think of, but these are what I suppose to happen. It will not be the end for the love story of Hazel and Augustus, there will be more. Another _forever_waiting for them.

This is just a short story. Hope you'll read it, with all your heart because I truly made it with all of mine (plus happiness, joy, thankfulness, lots of feels, tears and... oh yeah, tears).

ENJOY!

With much love (and feels),  
>Aira Phile<p>

8.1

**"I'm a grenade and at some point I'll gonna blow up..."******

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

I wonder how time flies. It's been a week since Augustus died. It's like we're just together few weeks before. Our group-sharing in the church, where we first met; our tour in Amsterdam where we met Peter VanHouten; his pre-funeral. Every time I think about those happy times we spent together, tears escape my eyes before I even know it.

He is gone. He left me.

All those times I am getting prepared that I will go first, that I will be the one to leave, not to be left.

I look out my bedroom window. The sun is shining bright as the birds fly freely. What would it feels like when I became an animal? It is a strange idea, I know, but how was it like not to feel anything? To be immune to the pains that will always demand to be felt?

I sit up my bed. I feel a sudden constriction in my chest. I almost gasp for air, so I grab for the huge oxygen tank beside my bed, Philip. I forgot to wear my oxygen tube last night. I know I could have die, maybe that is what I wanted, so that I can live happily with Gus. But when I die, there will be no guarantee that I will be with him. Maybe they will consider it suicide and I'll go the other way. If Gus was here, he wanted me to live my life. Even without him.

I turn my head and see my bedside table. There is my phone, Bluie—my blue teddy bear, and my book _An Imperial Affliction._ I get my book and hold it in my chest. It is one of my favorite memory from him. The thing that made us closer. I open it and saw the phone number he wrote in one of the pages. I reach for my phone and dialed it. It simply rings and rings, who do I expect to answer it? Him from the other side, from somewhere no international, intergalactic long distance call will reach? I close my eyes as it goes to voicemail.

I cleared my throat like preparing to talk to someone formally. "Hey, Gus. It's been a long time." I laugh, but suddenly tears can't hold and flow my face. "I miss you! I need you! I love you! I need you, Augustus Waters, I need you. Yes, you are a grenade! You blew up, then you left me as a casualty. I'm not yet dead, but I feel worse than being a corpse." I want to release all my anger and rage to him for leaving me behind. I start to sob more tears than I ever had since I knew he was gone.

My mom opened my door, I can feel the panic in her breath, but eyes are full of tears that I can't see her. "Sweetie, what happened?" She hugs me. "Hush, now. I know it is hard, but things are done now, no rewinds and going back."

"But things went to fast, I didn't even have time to say goodbye to him!" I let go more tears.

Mom rubs my back as she gentle rock me, I am like a baby, bawling. Dad emerge in my room. He looks worried and sit on the other side of my bed. I am between him and mom. "Hazel, we are mourning in Augustus' death too. We know it is not hard, we experienced a lot of lost too so we understand you." He rubs my back too to calm me down. I start to calm down. I take deep breaths. "But, remember, the doctor said you shouldn't cry so much, it is bad for your health. We lost him already, we don't want to lose you too."

I stop crying and take a final sob. "Sorry, I just... I just can't accept that he is taken away from me. It hurts so much that I will wake up each morning seeing this damn book and make me realize he wasn't here. He wouldn't be here. Never again."

Mom wipes my face with her thumbs. "His mother called. She is inviting us to go to his cemetery. They will celebrate his first week."

"That is if you want to go. If not, it will be fine. We will stay. Your mom and I will stay with you." Dad adds.

I sigh. I want to, but that will only add to my pain. Going there will only prove the reality that he is really gone. "I'll think about it. I don't feel to go out to day. I thought I will have my monthly check-up?"

They look at each other for a brief second then stands, "Hazel, we cancelled it for you. We think it is better if you will spend the day with Isaac, or if you want, we can go to the mall. Anything to make you happy."

"We actually planned that this day will be scheduled at Augustus' grave. We thought you will be willing to come. But in this case you don't, we can take you out—me and your mom." He smiles at my mom.

"Let's go to the cemetery." I say.

"Are you sure you want?" Mom asks.

I nod. I think Isaac will be there.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

8.2

**"I do not want to see a world without him."**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

I am right. Isaac is here. Glad I have someone to talk to. I don't want to think that I am here because this is the cemetery where Gus is buried.

"Hazel?" Isaac says. "I know you are here. I can feel your presence."

I laugh. "Yes, I am here."

"Lets have a seat?" He asks me.

"Oh, yeah, here." I grab two chairs and help him sit. Gus' parents placed a huge tent that surrounds his grave.

"I still can't believe he is gone. My bestfriend. My only bestfriend. Well, you know, besides you. You're my best friend, right?"

"Yes. I am and you are mine too." He is my bestfriend; it was me, him and Gus most of the time. I also have a friend, Kaitlyn, but I never heard of her for ages. Maybe she's living a _normal_ and happy life now. Maybe she found her husband, have kids, grow old. Things I accept ever since, I will never experience.

"You know, Augustus' parents told me that his eyes are available. They said that they can give them to me. I talked to my doctor about it, and he said it can be possible, but a long-process operation is needed. And, they need to check if his eyes fits mine."

"Really? That would be great!" I say. Life is divided into two parts, the bad part and the good part. The yin and the yang. Well, maybe this is the good part.

"You remember what I said to you after his funeral? That when someone knocks on my door and offer me robot eyes, I won't accept it because I don't want to see the world without him. It is still true, I don't want to open my eyes and see the beauty of the world because there will be no beauty if there will be no _Augustus Waters._He was always there for me when I need him. I never realized he needed me more because if I had, I would have known he still had his cancer. I loved that man! I loved our bromance."

"_Love._" I say.

"What?"

"You _love_that man. You _love_your bromance." I correct him. "Using the past tense means you stopped just because he is gone. I _love_ him. I never stop."

"You're right about that. I _love_him. Our bromance. Don't think I am gay, but if I were I will truly rape him, I mean, that guy _is_hot. I can't see him, but his voice tells me he is." He laughs.

"Even in death?"

"Even in death." He conclude. We laugh. It's been a long time since we laugh like this. "I wish he is here laughing with us."

"Maybe he is. Somewhere." I can feel heat again at the back of my eyes but I push it back. I don't want to cry around these strange people.

"But I think instead of laughing, he will be angry at me."

I ask him why.

"Because I will get his eyes."

I chuckle again. "No, I think he will be happy."

"You think so?"

"Yep. He will be happy to give his precious eyes to his bestfriend."

He laughs. "Maybe I can't see this world with him, but I will look using his eyes, that's what makes it equal."

"What do you want to see first?"

"My family, they never gave up on me. Then, my ex-girlfriend." He frowned when he remembers his ex-girlfriend that broke him up with pity and partially, disgust, after she knew there will be a chance of him getting blind.

"You want her back?"

He shakes his head. "I don't love her anymore. She isn't a promise-keeper. She broke her promise, she broke the _always._" I rub his back, although I know he is strong enough to hold on tears, but I do what my parents always do to me when I am sad or crying or bawling. "I'm fine, Hazel. Thanks."

"She broke up with you after you went..."

I hesitate but he finish for me, "After I went blind. Yeah."

"So maybe she will love you again if you can see."

He laughs, but this time without any sign of humor. "If she really loves me, she wouldn't have broken up with me the first place just because of my stupid eyes! I just want to see if she is fine now, I mean, how she changed. She _was_ a huge part of my life. I want to see her again. But this time, she will only be a memory. Long lost memory in me." He straighten up and smile. "Oh, of course I want to see you too. And Augustus' funeral pictures."

"Why do you want to see it?"

"Gus told me after his _pre-_funeral that if he dies, I should make sure it will be not be boring. I should make sure neither of us cried, because if we did, it will give him a pang of guilt in the afterlife. Did you cry?"

"Yes, I think I did." I frown.

"I did too. I think it is impossible not to cry in that kind of funeral."

Some speaker talks infront of his grave. "It's been recently that we lost one of our beloved love ones..." He continues but I hardly listen.

"Hazel, lets go?" Mom says helping me stand with my minimized Philip.

Isaac's mom comes behind them and help Isaac stand. "Mrs. Lancaster, it's my real pleasure to know you."

They shake hands.

"Hazel?" calls me with a small box. We hug. "I know you want this." She hands me the box she is holding.

"What is this?"

She pull back and smiles sadly. "Open it later." She kiss me on the cheeks and left.

Isaac's mom and my parents are talking.

Isaac lean to my ears and whisper, "_See_you soon, Hazel Grace."

I laugh again. "Yeah, I can't wait to _see_you. You don't know how happy I am for you."

"You are?"

"Yep, I hope you can see how big is my smile right now."

"Soon. Hopefully, I will."

We are about to go when I remember I bought a cigarette on the convenient store on our way here. "Wait, mom. I just need to give him this."

Dad supports me as I sit on the ground beside his thombstone. I place it beside his grave, where no one can see. They might thought he is a chain smoker, which he isn't, no one will understand because it is a metaphor.

I said in my mind:

_Augustus Waters, if ever you're listening, I just want to say I love you. I say it with present tense because I still do, I never stopped._

_Okay? Okay_.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

**8.3**

**"It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing."**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

My parents insist to bring me to the mall. I agree because it's been a long time since I bond with them. I left the box Gus' mom gave me in the car. "So want to watch a movie?" Dad asks.

"There is no new movie this week."

"Oh, how about this?" Mom points to a movie poster in the entrance of the theater area.

"Sure." I say.

Dad takes my arms gently. "Hazel, honey, what's wrong? We've done this before."

I look at the ground. "Yes, but it is not comfortable to walk inside the mall while people are staring at you." I went to mall a few times, I don't care how other people pity me, but this time, it is different.

Mom hugs me. "Don't mind them. Just think we are the only people in this building. No strangers."

I agree and we watch a movie.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

After the movie, dad and I go to the bookstore while mom shop for groceries.

Looking at the shelves, dad asks me everytime about a book. If it is great, if I want to buy it. "The cover looks amazing!"

"Nah, the story is so cliche. Don't judge a book by its cover, dad."

He laughs. "Okay, how about this? I've seen the trailer of this movie. You want to read it?"

I look at him again and laugh. "Another thing, dad, don't judge a book by its film adaptation."

Dad stares at me. "How can you be so meaningful nowadays?"

"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations. Sometimes we need metaphors to keep that constellation clear. I mean, we easily understand deep things by comparing it to other things. Metaphors."

He hugs me. "My little girl grew up so fast to even think of those metaphors."

_Metaphors._ Gus.

"You found what book you want?"

"Not yet. Give me a sec." I rush to the shelves to find what book I want. It's hard because I have a tank to carry. I finally saw a good enough book and take it. I caught a glimpes of _An__Imperial Affliction_ and stop. Dad see me looking at the book. I always have that book beside my bed and he got to know Peter Van Houten so I think he knows it has sentimental value. More than just a book, more than just my favorite. It is my book. _Our book._ "Here." I force a smile and hand him the book I picked. "Come on."

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

On our way home, I saw a group of people smoking by the streets. I hate them. I hate how they disregard their health. I mean, many people like me almost gasp for air. Not almost, I do. Air isn't free for me.

I am in my room, almost evening. I sit on my bed and open the box. Inside is a phone, charger and a note. Gus' phone. I click it open. My voice mails. I play it and hear how awful I sound this morning. I take the note. I think his Dad wrote it because it is similar to Augustus' penmanship.

_Hi, Hazel._  
><em>We think it is better to give you this. Just this morning we saw his phone while cleaning his room.<em> _We didn't open your voicemails, it might be private. We also reminded the cellphone company not to block his number. It was a huge loss for all of us, but our door will always be open for you anytime. We are just here, in behalf of Gus. We love you, Hazel. Time can heal all our sorrows. It takes a while, but eventually it will._

_-Waters Family_

Time can heal all our sorrows. It takes a while, but eventually it will.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

8.4

**"That's the thing about pain: It demands to be felt"**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Isaac is calling me. He has this special phone for blind people. I am just on my bed even in afternoons because I don't feel like going up after the mall-ing with mom and dad yesterday. It sends me dizziness.

"Hey, Isaac."

He is crying. "Hazel. I will never see. I will never see again!"

"Don't say that. Why? I thought you will have Gus' eyes?"

He sobs. "No, this morning we went to my doctor. They did tests and they told us that the eye didn't fit me."

"Someday you will find the right eye for you. Don't stop believing that someday you'll see the beauty of the world again."

"Thanks, Hazel, but sometimes hope isn't good especially if you know there is nothing really to hope for."

"There will always be something to hope for. As long as I am living, I will hope for you, withyou." I say.

He sigh. "Another false hope, another fake chance."

"Life is full of risks. It's always better to take it and be hurt than not to take it at all."

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Mom is baking. I don't know what comes in her mind to, she haven't made homemade cakes since what seems like forever. I ask her and dad about my check-ups but they always change the topic. Am I dying? The last time we visited the doctor, they told us there is something wrong with Phalanaxifor, the thing I take that cloths cancercells and prevent them to grow. At least that is what I know about it. But their words are so unclear that for my ears, they are like talking in a different language.

"Here, a chocolate cake. Have a taste." Mom hands me a chocolate cake and I take it.

"I miss this. Hmm." I say as I take a precious bite. "Where's dad? He should taste this."

"He went to run errands." She says and go back to mixing another round of cake. I don't know if I was just imagining it or what but I saw a tear in her eye. She wipe it even before I saw it. She look at me again and smiles. Maybe I was just hallucinating. Her phone rings.

"Want me to answer it?" I suggest.

"No. I can." She snatches the phone on the top of the island counter before I even see the caller ID. "Hello?" She answers. She look at me and walk out of my earshot.

It took me all my guts and guilt to go check on her. To eavesdrop. I go down the highchair and follow her to the bathroom. The call is off now and she is crying.

"Mom? Are you fine?"

She is surprised that I am here. She wipe her eyes and force a laugh. "Oh, yes, dear. My eye was just hurt."

"Who called?" I know she is lying. Maybe it is a doctor telling her I am really dying.

"It's just your dad. He told me he is on his way home." She smiles. "Everything is fine. Come on, I still have something in the oven." I follow her back to the kitchen.

Everything is not fine.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I am reading the new book we bought when mom and dad knock on my door. "Hazel?"

"Yep?"

"Your mom and I will go buy something on the grocery store... We will just leave you, okay?" Dad explains.

"Uhh, okay." I don't know why they are like asking permissions to me to go to the grocery.

Mom walk to my bed and hugs me. "We won't be long." She kisses my forehead. "Call us when you need something. You promise to call us, call me or your father."

I nod. "Mom," I started. "Am I dying?"

They are stunned by my question. "What makes you ask that?"

"Are you feeling wrong, can't you breathe properly?" Dad asks with concern and panic.

"No, I just..." I shake my head. I heard them fighting last night. I think it is about me. I take the thought back, "Keep safe wherever you're going."

Dad answered for her. "Yes, Hazel, we will take care. You take care too while we are gone, huh? Call us when you need us." He kiss my forehead too before supporting mom and go out. I can hear the car engine roar then took off.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I just read until they came home and we had dinner. I go to my room early to finish the book I am reading. Reading makes me erase my focus to think about Gus.

It is eleven thirty and I can hear mom and dad fight again, not shouting but their anger makes their "supposedly whisper" louder. What are they fighting about? I know it is not a good idea to eavesdrop again but I want to know, I _need_ to know.

I tiptoe out my room to where the voices are coming, in the living room. I hide behind the shadows of the stairs so they won't be able to see me.

"No, she needs to know! She should know, she deserves to know it!" Dad says.

"And then what? Wake up every morning dreading if she will still have the whole day? Or how about sleep every night with the fear of not waking up? I don't want my child to live the remaining days of her life in dread, fear, and anxiety. I want her to live it normally."

"She _will_live normally. But I don't want her to live in false hope. The two months is almost over. Anytime, she can go, anytime she can be taken away from us. Anytime! I want her to be prepared for it."

I stand, I didn't expect loud enough that they look my way. _I am dying!_ The thought sends chills in my whole body. Yes, I want to escape this nightmare life I have, I always imagine what if I die, there will be no tears, no pain, but hearing dad's last words: _The two months is almost over... Anytime she can be taken away from us. Anytime! I want her to be prepared for it_. That made it all real. All too real for me to handle.

I try my best to go back to my room as fast as I can. Stupid tank! Always against my way. Too burden for me.

"Hazel!" Mom called me but I manage to enter my room and close the door.

They knock several times before I answer. "Go away. I want to be alone."

"Let's talk about this properly, Hun. Open the door." Dad says gently.

"No, I said I need time._Alone._"

I started crying. "It was just like what you did with Augustus! Before we went to Amsterdam. You all hid it from me. You all made me believe in the thought I will be the one who will leave him, not the one to be left. Now I am here, the one who was left." I don't want to answer them. I don't want to make a bad memory because I don't know if I will still have time to make it up. I want to understand them, but it is not that easy.

"We want to tell you sooner, but we're afraid you'll live in fear." Dad said.

"We love you, Hazel. Please open the door." Mom said.

I did open the door. "It is better if you told me sooner, so that I will know. This is my life. I need to know what's happening." Mom starts to speak but I continue, "It is better to wake up every morning expecting it can be my last, than to wake up, doing nothing, believing I still have all the nonsense time in the world rather than making it meaningful." I stop for air, then continue. "It is better to sleep at night having the knowledge that there are possibilities of no sunrise waiting for me, than to sleep at night without even saying goodbye to the people I love. I experienced it mom, dad, to Gus. I never have told him goodbye because I hoped he will be there when I wake up the next morning, but I was wrong." We had that pre-funeral for him, but that was different. He organized it for his eulogy, not to say goodbyes. Only immediate families are allowed in the ICU.

"Sorry..." Mom says. Dad is also crying. I never see him cry from a very long time.

"Two months?" I look at dad. "Since when did that two months started?"

Dad looks away, he is crying badly that his face went all red. "This week will be the second month."

I look away from them. "Why? I need to know why they said that."

"The Phlanaxifor. They found out in a new study that they can cloth cancer cells for few years, but after the few years, the cancer cells will like, take revenge and double the damage. No one knows when that _few years_will end..."

Mom continues, "Two months ago, when we went there, they did tests to you, right? After we went home to Amsterdam. Few days after that, they gave us the results and found out the cells are reproducing. They explained it will be like you're in a cliff, even a soft blow can..." She trails, "Can cause you to fall. Slim chances you will survive the full two months. You did, Hazel. Maybe the test results are wrong and they have mistaken. They must have!"

I hug them. I wish they really have mistaken. I wish one day, they will go here and say the results are wrong and I don't really have cancer, just severe asthma. I wish... I pray. But _Life is not a wish-granting factory._ Augustus' words replay in my mind. The world is not a _wish-granting factory._ I hate how life can't be fair.

"I know your point, Sweetheart." Mom says. "But please understand, we want you to live your life normal. Please. We will never accept it if you spent the rest of your remaining days in sorrow. After you met Gus, I thought you will be happy. But then his mother told us, then there..."

"I promise not to live how many time left in my life in vain, but mom, dad, please promise me not to get divorce when _that_day comes."

They look at each other. "Despite all these negative things, Hazel, your mom is pregnant."

I was crying and angry at them but now, I feel like rejoicing. "Really? I am so happy for you, for us!"

"Sorry this is another secret we kept you because we know there will be no point in celebrating a new life if someone we also love will lose it."

Instead of feeling betrayed, I am rejoicing.

Maybe I am wrong that life is not fair, it is. Sometimes we don't understand how the _fair_happens, but it will always be. I mean, God will never leave you astray with negatives. He will always put positives. It's hard to understand but, maybe I am thankful I can still have this moment.

The world, the whole world, really is stars we can't ever fathom into any constellations. So simply watch the constellation and find it beautiful.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Before I go to sleep, I send a prayer to God.

_I need to wake up tomorrow. Please give me a day or two._ _Just to finish things up. Then after that, you can do whatever is it you wanted to do to me. Please._

I also gave thanks that I'll have a new sibling, although there is no assurance I will see him or her.

I accept it because I always get used to it. That's the thing about pain: it always demands to be felt.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

8.5

**"Love is keeping the promise anyway."**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I wake up. _Thank you, Lord!_I say. This time, I didn't call Gus. His phone is beside mine. I promise I'll try my best not to cry.

I take a quick shower, because I am late in the weekly support group in the _literal heart of Jesus_ and also because I can't hold my breath without oxygen from a tank for a long time. I put on a dress and go to the kitchen where my parents are.

"Goodmorning, Hazel Grace." Dad says while cooking pancakes. It is almost ten.

"Where are you going in a good Wednesday morning?" Mom asks.

"I want to go to the support group at the church." I answer.

"Really? I thought you never want to go there again?" Mom drives me there every Wednesday. I never want to go there again because it is where I met Gus. The next meeting after Gus' funeral, they offered it as a tribute to him. Me and Isaac didn't go. His pre-funeral, real funeral, and all those crying mornings are enough.

This time I will go because I want hope. Hope that miracle will happen, my cancer will go. Patrick, the support group leader, is a cancer survivor himself. I want to be like him. I wish Gus and I were.

Mom drives me again. When we reach the church, she asks, "You want me to walk you inside?"

I shake my head. "I'll be fine." I open the door and carry my tank out. She reaches my hand. "Goodbye." I say.

She looks me, like she will start to cry.

"Mom," I say, assuring her. "I will come back. You'll pick me up later."

"Sorry, sweetie. Promise me you'll keep safe." She let go of me.

"Yep. Keep safe you and the baby."

She leans to kiss my forehead.

I walk to the church. Then down the basement where the "literal heart of Jesus" is.

"Hey, I can't see you but I know you're there. Are you going down the Heart of Jesus?" A girl about my age asks me. She is blind with stick in front of her to guide her.

"Yes." I am rolling my tank beside me. I am always thankful that they have ramps instead of stairs.

"Can you help me get there? Sorry I just have my eye surgery and I am kind a new here."

"Sure." I say. The girl seems nice. "You can hold my shoulder."

"Thank you. By the way, I am Shai."

"Oh, hi. I am Hazel." We head to the door. I open it. Isaac is there too. Patrick as sharing something. Probably his _miraculous_life again.

"Hazel!" Patrick says and approach me. "I never knew you will come." He pats my shoulder and smile sadly.

I smile back at him. His eyes diverted from me to the one behind me. "Shai, how was your eye surgery?"

"Patrick? Yes, it was successful, but we will never know until I can completely see."

Patrick lead us to the group circle. I sit beside Isaac. "Hey."

"Hey." He replies. I can still feel the pain in his voice.

"Everything will be fine." I pat his leg.

He just nods.

"Guys, I like you to meet Shai. She had her eye transplant two days ago. Hopefully, it turns out great. Right?" Patrick says.

"Hopefully. I can't remove this bandage yet for a month. I am so excited to see again." She says.

"Can you tell us what you've been through and how you feel?"

She nods. "I suffered eye cancer two years ago. So they have to remove both my eyes to prevent the cancer from spreading."

Isaac interrupts. "Yeah, I know the feeling."

She continues, "Ofcourse it is not so easy at first. I am used to sense most things using my vision. I also asked questions: why me? You know like, among the billions of people around the world, why do I have to suffer this stupid cancer..." Her voice is like getting angry but remained gentle. "My mother sent me to special education that taught me how to read. I also manage to go to different support groups like this. That made me realize, some people have it worse than what I feel. I am not alone. That I do belong." She tries to smile. "Recently, my mother got a phone call that someone is willing to donate eyes for me. I didn't hope for it. I mean, we tried several times, when someone dies and the family was willing to donate the eyes of their love ones, nothing fit me. Until this one. I am really thankful I found this eye. His name was Augustus Waters. May God bless his soul."

I almost grasp in the mention of his name. Her eyes is Gus'. Patrick is looking at me, then turn his attention to Shai. "We do agree Augustus was a really nice man. He used to be in this support group. Some people here are close to him."

"Yes, in fact, I _am _Isaac, his best friend and Hazel _is_ his girlfriend." Isaac said with pride. I appreciate he emphasize the present tense.

"Hazel, thank you again for accompanying me earlier. I am sorry for your loss." She says.

"For the new ones here, this is Hazel. Hazel, can you introduce yourself? Name, age, illness, and anything you want to say. The usual way." Patrick says to the group.

"I'm Hazel Grace Lancaster. I am seventeen years old. Illness? I was diagnosed with stage four, thyroid cancer since I was thirteen. Thanks to Phlanaxifor, I am still here, but just last night I learned I will _really_die anytime this week."

They were shocked about it. Even Isaac. "What do you mean?"

Patrick says, "I know having cancer is hard, I experienced it, but don't lose hope, Hazel. Don't say things like that. You might get cured. Slim chance, but nothing is impossible to the Lord. Just have faith. Believe."

"No, I am serious. I mean, the doctors gave me death sentence that I will only have a couple of months. The couple of months ends this week." I know all the people here have severe illness as I have but you can't hide the pity they have for me. Even Shai who frowned. I heard Isaac cursed in a low voice I think I am the only one who heard it.

Patrick went silent, but start talking again after a while about miracles do happen. He ask other members to share experiences.

A girl starts to say she is scared about death. "What about you, guys? Are you scared of death?"

One guy said, "Ofcourse. I don't want to leave this world."

Another girl, the one I recognize from other meetings, said, "Well, I guess we don't need to fear death if we are prepared for it. If we did our part before we even die."

"I agree with her." I say. "For almost five years suffering this disease, I guess death has been my friend. The Phlanaxifor can be effective to only ten percent out of one hundred. I am lucky to be in that few people. With stage four, maybe I couldn't have made it."

"So, you don't fear death?" The girl who asked the question ask.

I look at the ground. "These past few days I am wishing for death. To get away from this cruel world, but now, I think I am still not prepared. I fear that I wouldn't be able to end this day alive."

My answer sinked in their minds.

"Why do you fear it? Why do you think you are not prepared?"

"My first conversation with Gus was about oblivion, the state of being forgotten, being disregarded. Maybe that is why I am not prepared, because I will end this life without even making an effort to at least, do something others will remember. To make a mark. A mark that even not that big, I know, deep that will make others hard to erase. I don't want to die knowing I will be forgotten easily. Yes, oblivion for each one of us will come. Oblivion is inevitable. Like Shakespeare, there will come a time he will be forgotten. Maybe a few centuries more, but it will happen. All I want is mine to be, somehow, longer. I guess this cancer made it all impossible."

"But you will be remembered, Hazel. We will remember you. How you fight, how strong you were." Another girl from the group said.

"Yes, Hazel. We will remember that you've been part of our lives. We will remember these things you just said to us that made us realize important things." A new boy said.

"You've always been a good friend. You and Augustus. I will never forget you." Isaac says. Now, I feel bad for him because I realize I will leave him too.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

When the group sharing ended, I went to the restroom. Then, I walk back to Isaac. He is talking to Shai.

"I can't see you and you can't see me, maybe that made us equal. But after you remove that bandage, you will be able to see." He said, I know how badly he wants to see. We talked about it in the cemetery. He was so excited about it. I was too.

"You'll find the right eye for you. After, you will be able to see me. That will make us balance again." She says and pats his back. They are sitting next to each other so they can actually sense one another. That makes me happy because I think Isaac will not be alone after all.

"Hey, Shai." I say as I approach. "Can I ask you a question? But please don't feel awkward."

"Sure. What's that?"

I lower my voice. "Are you single?"

She blush at the question and Isaac protests. "Hazel!"

"What? I am just asking her." I laugh. "Sorry, Shai. If you don't want to answer, I am so sorry. I don't mean to offend you."

She laughs to. "No, it's fine. Actually, I am single. I never had any boyfriend."

"Why?" Isaac asks.

"I am waiting for someone who will accept me even without my eyes, because I believe _love is blind_."

"Well, how about if he doesn't have eyes too? Would you accept him?"

"Yes, of course. As much as he will accept me." She smiles widely getting what he meant.

It is Isaac's turn to blush.

I think they will have their own infinity someday.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Mom said we can drive Isaac home. She called Isaac's mother to inform her.

"How was your day?" Mom asks us. I am next to him at the backseat.

"Fine." I say.

She looks at me in the rearview mirror. Isaac, who looked happy with Shai, is now sad and quiet. "Oh, I see."

I try to cheer him up. "I think he has a new girlfriend."

"What? No." He tries to deny it.

"Really? What is her name? Is she pretty?" Mom chuckles.

"Well, yes. She is pretty and..." I pause thinking about the next words I will say. "She has beautiful eyes."

"What does her eyes looks like?"

I pause. "It is Augustus'."

I think she don't know what to reply because she didn't reply.

Isaac frown next to me. "I should have hate her though, because that was supposedly mine. But I didn't because she is nice."

"I knew it the first time I saw her."

"I also got her number. It took me a while to type it, though." He says and laugh. He frowns again, and lowers his voice so that I will be the only one to hear. "But Hazel, what you said, about you—"

I try to laugh. "Now you really admit she is already your girlfriend!" I interrupt him, I know what he is talking about. I know he is talking about me dying. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to waste my few time left to grieve about the reality I _am_ dying. I want it to be happy.

He didn't reply too. We just ride our short drive in awkward silence. When we reach his home, mom suggests she can walk him in.

"No, I can." I say.

"But isn't your tank heavy? I can walk to the door. I've done it before." He says.

"Nope. I have this with me almost all my life. And a walk for my friend to the door of his house will be nothing compared to it."

Mom's eyes are full of understanding, so she just nod. I'll never know if this will be my last conversation with Isaac. At least, I want to say goodbye. The thing Gus never did to us.

I open the car door and slip my tank out then myself. I help him get out without bumping his head. "Thanks." He said.

We walk to their porch. "Isaac," I prevent the tears. I promise not to cry. I promise to do my best not to. I start saying my goodbye with a smirk. "You got a new girl, I assure you she is pretty."

He smiles. "I don't care if she is or she is not. I want her because I believe 'the only person who will understand a blind person is also a blind person herself.'"

I laugh. "I'm gonna miss you." I hug him.

"I consider you and Augustus unfair for leaving me behind."

"Well, dying is not leaving. Yes, leaving this whole damn cruel world, but not the person you love. I will always be here. I will always be in your heart and memories."

"That's the thing. I hate that you and Gus will only be memories." He starts to cry.

"We will meet again. We will see each other again, you know. In a wonderful, eternal _paradise,_ as what Patrick would have say." I imitate our support group leader in the word _paradise_.

He laughs. "Yeah, right."

"But promise me it will not be so soon, okay? Promise me that will be in more decades. No matter how I freaking hate this world, you got only one chance to live it. Take it."

"But I can't assure you I will live in the number of decades you expect."

"Well, just promise me to do what me and Gus didn't have a chance to do." I say.

He asks what. I reply, "To die in such a good death. Not just because of a stupid disease. Promise us that. I won't care how you make your own mark in the world, but make it deeper. Negative or positive, I don't care if you will start world war three or discover a cure for cancer, _or_make a huge epidemic, which I suggest you don't, as long as it makes a mark."

"I already got an idea. I will write a book."

"Good one. Well, about what?"

"Hmm, that, I will still about know. Maybe a lovestory about two cancer patients." He smiles. "I need a pseudonym. A name with a color in it, because I am afraid they won't accept me if they'll know I was blind. Color can make the world wonderful, unlike when you're blind, infinite darkness."

"I think instead of not accepting you, I think they will consider you an inspiration."

He smiles, satisfied and inspired.

"Also promise me that if ever you really make one, don't end it with a cliff-hanger!"

He nods and hugs me again. "I will truly miss you."

"I wish you and Shai will live happily. Continue our stalled love story for us. If not with her, don't lose hope. You'll find the right girl for you as you find the eyes that will fit you."

"I still wish to see your smile." He says, remembering our conversation in Augustus' first week ceremony.

"If I can send you a selfie up in heaven, or wherever I will go in the after life, I will."

He laughs and I laugh with him until my lungs start to hurt.

I start to go back to our car.

"Goodbye, Hazel Grace." He says. I almost forgot to say what I came here for, to say goodbye. Just then I realize maybe that's why Gus didn't say goodbye to us, not just because he didn't have time to, but because he _don't_ want to. It is hard to say goodbye if you don't want to leave. It will be like lungs that will run out of air. Literally. For me.

"I don't want to say, Goodbye. Gus didn't because this is not the end." I smile at him.

"Until we meet again, Hazel. Until we meet again."

"This isn't goodbye, remember that."

That remained a promise we will still see each other again. Love will keep that promise as it keeps Augustus'

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

When I got back to the car, I told mom after I die, I want Isaac to have my eyes. Try if it fits him. If not, well, I hope someone who deserves to see the wonders of the world will.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

8.6

**"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once."**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

The next day after the support group meeting, I don't have energy to even wake up the bed. I guess, this is what dying feels like. So, dad brought me breakfast on bed. They eat with me, on my bed.

The door bell rings. "I will answer it." Dad says and go out my room to open the door. Mom is having her cup of coffee and watching a morning show on my bedroom TV.

Dad came back after a few moments. "Hazel, honey, you have visitors from a very far place. Want me to bring them in or you'll go out the living room?"

Mom stands. "Who?"

"Mr. Van Houten with a lady."

Mr. Van Houten? Who is the lady he is with and what are they doing here? "I am a little tired. I guess it will be fine if you just make them come here."

"Sure, Hazel. I will just call them."

Before they leave, mom gets the tray and says, "We will be back, Sweetie."

I nod and turn my TV off and sit straight. It takes me alot of strength to do so.

"Hazel!" I was surprise to hear her.

"Lidewij!" I say. "What are you doing here?"

"We came here just to give you something." She looks at me with pity, then with joy. Peter emerge to the room.

"Hazel Grace, long may you live." He says calling at me. I hate him but well, now he looks different.

Mom enters my room and give them juice. "Hazel, we will leave you." Mom smiles as she close the door.

Lidewij hands me a rectangular present wrapped in pink scented paper. "What's this?"

She looks at Peter. "That, that is something so important." He says. "Open it."

I open it. Inside is a book entitled: _An Imperial Satisfaction._ Below the title is a phrase that I always needed my entire life!

_The much awaited sequel to the number one bestselling book, An Imperial Affliction_.

"Am I even dreaming?" I say with joy. Most of my life I am re-reading AIA, I don't know what happened to Anna after. I want to know. I need to know. Finally it is here. "Gus will be happy for this!"

Their face darkened. "He is actually the main reason I made that book. The sequel he made is actually great. I regret he I didn't told him. I was just... I don't want to write anymore. It will just remind me so much from my past. I scanned his work in my computer, the one I gave you is the real one, I guess you like to have it."

"I haven't read it. I just read the letter he wrote for me, not the sequel. I was afraid my feelings will push me so far." I admit. I just kept his notes in a box then stored it in my closet.

"When I got home from his funeral, I re-read his work. The thing you said in his funeral, it inspires me. I finish it within a week then look for Lidewij. That is another thing you both made me realize." He place his hand behind her waist. "After Anna's death, I never knew there is still someone who will be there for me. I just know all the people important to me leave me. But she didn't. She was there for me, when I became successful with my book, when I became a bastard and sober. She is always there. I just screwed it up." He explains.

"Well, it wasn't that easy, you know." She contradict. "It took him hours for begging me to come back. I did just because, not to contemplate the fact that I know you and Gus not so long, but well enough to know you are nice and you deserve answers." She pause. "I immediately called the publisher agent to review the book as soon as possible then publish it."

"Thanks. You don't know how happy I am." I say to them.

"Promise me to finish that book. I don't want to know I just wasted my time. I made that book for you. I hate the boy. He didn't have a time the time to see it." Peter joked.

I laugh. "Oh, yes I will. I will finish it tonight. I won't sleep until I did."

"No, you need to rest and sleep early or else your folks might curse us and go to Amsterdam themselves."

"I truly promise to finish it, before I go away from this world." I don't want to use the word _die._

"We will be late in our flight home, we got here yesterday to give that personally to you and do a booksigning in a bookstore." Peter explains, holding Lidewij's hand and leading their way to my door.

I nod. "Thank you so much."

Peter stops and look at me again. "Stop thanking, child. I think we are the one who should give gratitude after these things you did to us. You changed our lives." He shows me their entwined hands. They are together now, I guess. Peter, from the drunkard guy we've seen him months from now, became a decent man. Yes, he truly changed a lot. That made him look younger. He and Lidewij are a great couple. "I will send invitation for our marriage."

I smile at them.

"Wait," Lidewij stop, remembering something. "Peter, I want to have a moment with Hazel for a while."

Peter raise his brows and she said, "Alone."

"Oh, yeah, yeah," He said. What do you call that? _Girl talk?_"

Lidewij just raise her brows to him and he went out the room. "Hazel, sorry for that."

I shake my head. "I like _that_ Peter more than the one we first saw. He changed alot. Oh, and his perfume doesn't smell wine anymore."

She laughs. "That's because he stopped drinking. He said he realized how important he must value life, and drinking is definitely not the way to value it."

I smile at her. She is always so good to us.

"I am here because I like to thank you personally. I never really thought he and I will... you know, work out together. I am his PA for years but only now I realize how important he is to me. While I read _An Imperial Satisfaction_for the first time for the review and editing, there I came to think of who he really is. You fall in love they way you fall asleep: alowly, then all at once. For me, I am in a deep wonderful dream." She smiles, "Although sometimes a nightmare."

"Well thank you too for making _An Imperial Satisfaction_impossible."

"Peter is right. If you ever say another thanks, we will take that back." She gestures to the book they gave me. She holds my hand. "Hazel, that, this, and us," She points to the book again, then gestures to herself to show her beautiful dress, and points to my door as if saying everything right now with her and Peter. "Wouldn't be possible if it isn't for you." She smiles widely again and stands. "We need to go now." She checks her watch.

"Have a safe flight." I say weakly.

She nods. When she opened the door and called Peter, a question comes in my mind. " , Lidewij," I call them. "The title? What does it mean?"

Peter takes steps towards me. "_An Imperial Satisfaction_... That's because I am satisfied. Anna, wherever she is, I know she is too. She is in happiness now, for she lived her life worth even for a short while. And that, is a greatest satisfaction anyone could ever get, even if you died because of cancer."

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I read the book and finished it the same night. It is just a small book.

The dedication is for me and Gus: _For Hazel and Augustus. Wherever they are, I hope they are satisfied._

Satisfaction. A word that keeps on repeating in my mind.

_Dead is easy if you were satisfied in your life._

Am I already satisfied?

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

8.7

**"You gave me a forever within a numbered days, and I am grateful."**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I read the book and finished it the same night. It is just a small book.

The dedication is for me and Gus:

_For Hazel and Augustus. Wherever they are, I hope they are satisfied._

Satisfaction. A word that keeps on repeating in my mind.

It turns out Anna was still alive, her dutch step-father wasn't a con man, and her mom lived happily. In the end, after they tried their best to cure her illness, it didn't work. But Anna lived a wonderful life helping others who was in the same state as she is. She also made her step father promise to continue studying about the cancer cure, for future generations. She died saying the last line in the book,

_"Death is easy, if you were satisfied in your life."_

How about me? Am I already satisfied?

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I transfer my tube from Philip to the portable tank. "Thanks, Philip." I rub the tank. "Thank you and I think your job is done now."

I try my best to go to the living room where I know mom and dad are.

"Sweetie, what are you doing here? You need anything?" Mom asks me. He and dad are watching TV.

I smile at them. "We will watch _America's Next Top Model._" It was my bonding moment with them, watching ANTM.

Dad moves and pat the space between them. I move and settled myself, sandwiched by the people I am always thankful for.

We watch the usual way. Me commenting about the models, mom choosing her bet finalists, and dad contradicting her. I wish I could spend more nights like this, I _pray_for more nights, itself.

"I love you." I say to them.

Mom look confuse.

"I just said I love you." I laugh and lean down to her tummy. "I love you too little girl, or guy."

Dad hugs me. "We love you too, Hazel Grace. We love you and we will always love you." Mom joins us in our group hug.

At this moment, I think I can answer my question earlier. I can be satisfied. I am satisfied. Isaac with the hope of seeing again, plus a chance of infinity with Shai and to be a future writer; Mom and Dad having a new baby, and assurance they won't get divorced; Peter and Lidewij realized they are for each other; I read the _much awaited sequel_I always dream my entire life; Gus not suffering; and me, I am satisfied with everything I am and had. I am satisfied for the seventeen years of my existence. Though I can't assure I did make a huge, deep mark in this world, it doesn't matter because _I am satisfied._

I close my eyes. This time, God granted one of my prayers. God granted I wouldn't suffer in my death. I want it fast, and peaceful.

My life, yes, it is short. A little infinity. A forever within the numbered days.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

8.8

**"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

When I open my eyes, it is so bright. But a different brightness. It is not blinding. It is a peaceful white light, a perfect, clear sky.

"Hazel!"

A voice called me. It is so familiar that I almost cry for longing to hear that again. Almost. A jolt of happiness filled my body as if pushing away my tears, overwhelms me. I guess this is what heaven feels like. No tears, no pain, no sadness. I turn my head to see where that wonderful sound came from. I run to him, then hug him. "I miss you."

"You don't know how I miss you." He chuckles. "Oh, you also have so many things you need to tell me."

"Do we have enough time?" I ask, suddenly realizing I may be dreaming and he will fade away.

He smiles, and look at me in my eyes. "Hazel, we will have an eternity and the whole time ahead of us. This time, no more cancer nor other bad things than can interrupt us."

"I love you, Augustus."

"I love you too, Hazel Grace." He offered his hands infront of me. "Okay?"

"Okay." I smile widely at him, then take it.

"That life behind us, that was just a _little infinity. And this, this will be a bigger one. Our bigger infinity."_

That was a little infinity.

This will be a bigger one.

Our bigger infinity.

This will be the start of a real forever.

A forever without a numbered days.

A forever that belongs to us.

_Our own infinity._

**Okay? Okay.**

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I hope you liked my story. Sorry for the flaws, if there are. I just want to express and let you know what I hope happened with Hazel, Augustus, and all the characters in John Green's _The Fault in Our Stars. _Well I want to explain this short fan fiction to you more. :)

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

**Number 1 - The Writer's Note****  
><strong>About the Writer's Note in the beginning, I included it because if there are things you didn't like in my story, I understand it because we all have our different says and probable epilogue for this amazing book. I just want to share mine, I would like to know what's yours too.

**Number 2 - The numbers of the chapters.****  
><strong>The story started with _Chapter 8.1_ up to _8.8._I like to be in that way because of what Hazel said in the funeral of Augustus: There is an infinity of numbers between 0 and 1. So I started with 8.1 as what Hazel tries to explain. I picked number 8 instead of just putting 0.1 or 1.1 because eight is like an infinity sign. It shapes like that (∞). I definitely found it cool, especially the end, 8.8, because it symbolizes two infinities. The big and the smaller one.

**Number 3 - The quotes in the start of every chapters**  
>I picked chose those quotes because I believe they are right for the stories of each chapter. It came from the book and I love how it fits and sums up my epilogue.<p>

_"I'm a grenade and at some point I'll gonna blow up..." __  
><em>_"I do not want to see a world without him." __  
><em>_"It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing." __  
><em>_"That's the thing about pain: It demands to be felt"__  
><em>_"Love is keeping the promise anyway." __  
><em>_"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." __  
><em>_"You gave me a forever within a numbered days, and I am grateful." __  
><em>_"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."_

**Number 4 - The title (Our Own Infinity)**

It took me so much time to think about a great title that can match my story about The Fault in Our Stars. I want it to have the word "Infinity" or "Forever" in it, then, this title was like whispered in my ears by an angel, "Our Own Infinity." I think Gus and Hazel themselves did it. Haha, it's creepy, but well... I just love them both they made me realize so many things like a friend giving me own self-experienced advices. I need to value everything I have because I am lucky enough that I have it before it go and be taken away from me.

I think Hazel and Augustus deserves their own infinity.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

**OKAY? OKAY.****  
><strong>Vote if you like my story. Well, I surely wish you'll comment your thoughts and feed back about this. :) I will appreciate it so much. Thank you for having time to read this, I hope it wasn't a waste for you.

You can also visit my twitter account: ilivefiction

And this is the wattpad copy of this story

story/11249957-our-own-infinity


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